The 10 Best Places to **** in Public in Paris
It will soon be Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year (at least if you believe Hallmark), and this is Paris, the most romantic city in the world (if you believe the Paris Tourist Board). And you’re going to combine the two, by celebrating February 14th in the City of Light. How exciting!
But maybe you’ve already passed the stage of “The 10 Best Places to Pick Up Girls/Guys in Paris.” (My personal choice, Rue de Budapest.) And you’ve done “The 10 Most Romantic Pastry Shops in Paris.” (My choice, Vaudron’s in the 17th Arrondisement makes heart shaped macaroons.) And you’ve even gone through “The 10 Most Romantic Hotels in Paris.” (The Ritz, I only stay at the Ritz, but only for about twenty minutes until they find me and kick me out again.) So now you’re ready for “The 10 Best Places to **** in Public in Paris!”
Let me state right off the bat that neither I nor Bonjour Paris condone such behavior. We are (at least officially) so uptight and prudish that even Pat Robertson couldn’t find fault with us – except, of course, that we are in France. But we wouldn’t want to get into trouble with les flics for inciting lewd public behavior (incitation des actes naughties). So if you keep reading – and you get caught following our suggestions – don’t try to blame it on us. We know how to stonewall!
The three most important aspects of **** in Public (besides of course, location, location, location) are preparation and probably also preparation and preparation. First, dress for the part. Wear loose clothing. Women should definitely, obviously wear skirts – either very long and billowy or very short (but still not too tight). And since quick entrances and exits will certainly be necessary, I suggest running shoes. Disguises could also be helpful, so that if you’re caught and seen being led away from Notre Dame in handcuffs on the eleven o’clock news, your friends back home will only be able to say, “Jeez! That sure looks like Randy. I wish they’d take off that Groucho Marx disguise so I could be sure.” On the other hand, if you want to retain a bit more of a romantic image, you might prefer dark glasses and a low-brimmed hat.
And as last point: this is not exhibitionism. Part of the challenge is to not be seen by anyone – except God and the sparrows.
1) Speaking of God, a good place to start is Notre Dame Cathedral. This combines the satisfaction of doing it in one of the most popular tourist attractions in Paris with the knowledge that what you’re doing is very, very naughty. And for a beginner, it’s not all that difficult; just sneak into a confessional booth. But be careful! As you enter, the first confessionals are glassed-in boxes! They offer very little privacy. So be patient. A little further on, you’ll find the more traditional wooden confessionals. On a recent visit I was surprised to see that the confessionals have neither doors not curtains (see, I really do research my articles). So you’ll have to take the confessional further from the center aisle for a bit more privacy. But it can still be done. Don’t dally. In your dalliance. (Oh! That’s a good one! “Dally in your dalliance!”)
2) I’ve read recently that Jim Morrison’s grave is the fifth most popular tourist attraction in Paris. So if you wish, you can actually **** on the fifth most popular tourist attraction in Paris. It would be almost like you’re the fifth most popular tourist attraction in Paris yourself. And it’s so easy! Just arrive late afternoon, when the sky is already darkening. Hide behind a tombstone (I suggest Oscar Wilde’s; It’s HUGE. You could hide a waiting orgy behind Oscar Wilde’s tombstone) while the guardians shoo people out of the cemetery. Wait about half an hour to give the guardians time to punch out and shuffle out the gates, and the whole place is yours! You’ll be free to romp to your heart’s content, not only on the grave of Jim Morrison, but also Edith Piaf, Balzac, Proust and Moliere. Then you’ll just have to huddle in a doorless chapel until the guardians return in the morning to let you out again.
3) Musee Grevin. Where they have the wax statues of famous people. Just find the room with Lady Godiva, strip down and get to work. If anyone comes into the room, hold the pose and pretend that you’re part of Godiva’s entourage.
4) The Louvre is part of everyone’s visit to Paris. Make your Louvre special! Obviously, you’re going to want to do it in front of the Mona Lisa or at the feet of the Venus de Milo. Or does she have feet? I know she doesn’t have arms. Hmm. More research to do. And I’ve got a deadline to meet! Or at the base of the Winged Victory. But if you’re old enough to ****, you’re also old enough to have learned that what you want to do and what you can do are often two distinctly different things. So let’s get real. The Mona Lisa’s eyes may follow you everywhere, but they’re not going to follow you far enough to watch you do the dirty, unless you’re looking forward to spending the evening in the Santé – which despite it’s misleading name is a prison and not a hospital – which might also be an interesting place to do it. However, I lack the first hand experience to describe it for this article and I also lack enthusiasm for that kind of research. So you’re on your own there, Jack. But to get back to the Louvre…. Yes, you can do it there, but not just anywhere there. Personally, I would suggest visiting the Etruscan Pottery displays. Believe me, no one will disturb you in Etruscan Pottery.
5) La Grande Roue. This has a very large Ferris Wheel on the Place Concorde. It has enclosed gondolas. Need I say more?
Yes! I need say more! Stop the presses! They’ve taken it down! It was there just last week, but it’s gone. And the deadline for this article is tomorrow! So, the emergency replacement is… The envelope, please. Palais de Tokyo. There’s a restaurant there called Tokyo Eat. And in that restaurant they have a restroom with two toilets to a stall. Practically an open invitation. I hadn’t wanted to even think about the possibility of **** in a restroom – much too sordid – but this is irresistible. Almost makes me glad they took down the Ferris Wheel.
6) Galeries Lafayette or Printemps. The big, fashionable department stores in Paris. I won’t count BHV, because that’s where I go for tools and building supplies and stuff. It’s not very romantic unless your Valentine is a lady carpenter. And the Samaritaine is closed. Structurally unsound. You don’t want to risk shaking those pillars! So that leaves the Galaf or Printemps. How? What do you think trying rooms are for? There are signs saying that you’re not supposed to take more than one item of clothing in the trying rooms at a time, but they don’t mention how many Valentines you can take, so invite as many Valentines as you want. And have fun.
7) In the Metro. I’ve always loved the metro. To me it’s the true symbol of Paris; it’s where you’re put shoulder to shoulder with other Parisians, so it’s the perfect place to **** with your Valentine. During the rush hour, you’re pressed up so hard against so many strangers that no one will even know the difference; just don’t wriggle around too much.
Or…. mid-morning or mid-afternoon, very late at night (but before the last metro) on certain lines, near the terminals, you may find yourself alone in a metro car. Well, alone won’t do you any good, but if there happens to be just you and your Valentine, this could be your big day.
8) Montmartre. The stairs. Well, sort of. Not the big, white stairs right out in front of God and everyone, but to the sides of the main stairs are little paths, with smaller stairs. In the evening there aren’t many people passing that way. Probably not in the daytime either – Valentine’s Day is a Tuesday this year, and it’s not a legal holiday in France, so most people will be at work. And there’s another good place in Montmartre! It’s just off the Avenue Junot, where it curves. I think the number would be about 21 if it had a number, which it doesn’t. But there’s a little alley: you go up some stairs, and you’ll see a big rock. I don’t know why this rock is there. There has to be a story about it, though I haven’t heard it. Maybe I should make up a story for it. Anyway, it’s a big rock; it’s isolated, and it’s good to hide behind. Damn near perfect!
9) The Eiffel Tower How could anyone resist? The Eiffel Tower, the ultimate – and immodest (the French are known for bragging – among other things) – phallic symbol. This is the Everest, the World Series, the… Hey! It’s the Eiffel Tower of places to **** in public! There are difficulties here, but you can do it! Really! Obviously, what you and everyone else want is to **** on the very top of the Eiffel Tower. However, the top floor is a.) very small, b.) very crowded, c.) very open and d.) (paradoxically((see c.)) very closed. Closed as in “to the public.” They’re doing some repair work right now and they apparently will not be finished before Valentine’s Day. So you may think you’ll have to cross it off your list. But, no! Now I had always thought that I was tireless in my efforts to research these articles, but no longer. Tonight I’m tired! I just got back from the Eiffel Tower. Research. What you have to do is go to the West Pillar and take the stairs instead of the elevator. Not too many people take the stairs, so you’ll be pretty much by yourself – with your Valentine, that is. It only costs 3€80, about $5.00. And if you go just before the closing time of 6:00, you’ll be assured of the privacy you’ll need to turn it into the Eiffel Towering Inferno! The stairs are not always well-lighted – bad for safety, good for privacy. Right under the first floor it’s fairly closed in, and you might be tempted to stop here. But that would be a huge mistake. Keep on climbing. On the first floor, sit on a bench and catch your breath, stop and take in the view. But don’t dawdle. Don’t dilly-dally. You have better things to do than dawdling and dilly-dallying. You can only go as high as the second floor. 668 steps. (I didn’t count them; they’re numbered.) But don’t go quite that high. Stop at an outer landing somewhere between steps 580 and 640. You’ll have one of the great views of Paris spread out before you. And you’ll also have the thrill and satisfaction of knowing you’ve **** in the Eiffel Tower. And if you got a bit tired going up all those stairs, just remember, going down is great!
10) Champs Elysées The Champs Elysées one of the busiest streets in Paris, where the sidewalks are bustling with pedestrians from before dawn (the early birds, the cleaners and sweepers, green-clad garbage men, apron-stained restaurant workers, floury croissant makers, bleary eyed café waiters, rubber-necking tourists) through the morning (dapper businessmen, less dapper clerks, rubber-necking tourists) into the afternoon (bag-laden shoppers, wilting businessmen, rubber-necking tourists) and all through the night (walkers, stalkers, late-night shoppers, meeters, drinkers and eaters, rubber-necking tourists) till past dawn. And with enough luxury stores that the police are never far away. So how do you **** on the Champs Elysées without getting caught? Damned if I know. I’m just here telling you the ten best places to do it; I can’t always be telling you how to do it. Use your imagination. Then tell me.
Editor's Note: Although we sometimes enjoy Dennis Neuenkirchen's writing,
we do wish he’d grow up. Good God, Dennis! It's okay to
say "kiss!" You don't need the ****s!
